Advice for Bill

If you were a sharp reader of some of the earlier posts from before we left, you may have noticed us mention in passing how one of the things keeping us busy was the cleaning of our condo. Now, if you know Bernie and Phil, you know that cleaning the condo is NOT one of the things they're particularly meticulous about. (They've been known to invite people over for the sole purpose of motivating themselves to clean the place.)

Some people might think the reason has to do with wanting a nice clean orderly home awaiting us when we return. They'd be mistaken. No, the real reason is that, while we are gone, we'll have a friend staying there. We'll call that friend "Bill", not for any reasons of personal privacy but because that's his name.

Because we hurriedly left without a lot of contact with Bill, we never got a chance to leave him some information, advice, etc. about the place. So here, for Bill's benefit, is a list of things that he may find useful about the nuances of our little condo:

About the Cleaning Supplies
Sorry about the lack of cleaning supplies. We used many of them up, took some with us, and left just the bare essentials. And if you don't see those bare essentials, it's because ... when we're away the neighbors* sneak in and steal our cleaning supplies. (Yea! That's the reason. Really.)

About the Aquarium
Knowing that, finally, a responsible person would be around, we fully stocked the aquarium with dozens of vibrantly beautiful and healthy tropical fish. And we gave it a thorough cleaning. So if you arrive and find only two poorly fed fish peering out from behind aquarium walls covered with black algae, well, we don't know how to explain that ... except maybe our neighbors* snuck in and took them.

Our Plants
We religiously water and fertilize our plants according to the "Bible of Modern Houseplant Care, King James Version". If you encounter tall spindly plants with yellowed (or, worse, dropped) leaves well, just like the aquarium, we don't know how to explain that one either ... but we wouldn't put it past our neighbors* to have snuck in and switched the plants.

Our New Carpets
Right before we left, we had brand new carpeting installed throughout the entire place. The good stuff! It had a very unique pattern that we liked. It's kinda grey in the middle areas where people walk but very light along the edges. The carpeting in the study has a little section of impressionistic art -- it looks remarkably like burn holes from battery acid where some careless person may have stored a boat battery over the winter. We call it Artistic Creativity.

That Soap Scum in the Shower
We really did clean the bathrooms. Really. But about that soap scum on the shower walls, well, that's just our way of helping to save the environment. We found that if on every third shower you forgo the soap and just rub up against the walls, you can cut your soap expenses by over 30%. (This one is disgusting, we admit.)

Home Improvement Projects
The condo to the east of us (the 02 unit) is vacant and for sale. And it has been that way for a while now. We think that if we knocked an opening through the wall that separates us from their third bedroom, then sealed their third bedroom door, maybe no one would notice. After sufficient time passes, squatters' rights would apply and we would finally have more space. If attempting this project in your spare time be sure you're breaking through the wall to the 02 unit. We'd hate for you to surprisingly pop into Susan's living room while she's watching television or something in the 09 unit. ("Hey, who are you and what are you doing in my living room? " "Um, sorry, I just got a little carried away while trying to pound a nail into the wall to hang this painting.") ... Susan is our nice neighbor and she wouldn't sneak in and steal anything from us.

The Television Reception
(this one is actually true!) If you have a problem with the reception, simply pull the cable box out a little and shift it around until the picture sharpens. You'll find you have to do that frequently. We'd have it replaced, but that DVR simply has too many recordings that Bernie never has time to watch but, some day in the future, she will. Yeah, right.

If you have any questions, our phone number, which is still one of those operator assisted lines, is BR 549. You can also try our cell phone at 867-5309 (ask for Jenny).




* In reality, all of our neighbors are nice and wouldn't steal anything.